The Art of Communicating Page 5

  To love someone means to be there for him or for her. To be there is an art and a practice. Are you truly there for the person you love, one hundred percent? Using the skills of mindful breathing and mindful walking, you can bring together your body and mind to restore yourself and produce your true presence in the here and the now. To be there like that, for yourself and for the other person, is an act of love.

  We can also use this mantra with ourselves. When I say to myself, “I am here for you,” it also means that I am there for myself. My mind goes home to my body, and I become aware that I have a body. That is a practice of love, directed to yourself. If you are capable of being with yourself, you are capable of being with the person you love.

  The practice can be very pleasant. Breathing in and bringing your mind home to your body can be a very pleasant thing to do. You enjoy your in-breath, you enjoy your body, and you enjoy your mind. Then the mantra will have an effect on those around you too.

  You don’t need to wait for the practice to be reciprocated. The other person doesn’t need to say anything in return. When you produce the mantra, both of you benefit. The mantra helps you and the other person come home to yourselves and to the moment you are sharing. So the effect is double.

  We say that love is based on understanding. But how can you understand someone if you aren’t present? Your mind has to be in the here and the now before you can love. So the first definition of love is to be there. How can you love if you are not there? To love you have to be there. The tree outside your window is there, supporting you. You can be there for yourself and for your loved ones, just like the tree. Mindfulness practice is the foundation of your love. You cannot love properly and deeply without mindfulness.

  Although you’re saying, “I am here for you,” the other person doesn’t have to be there for you to practice the first mantra. If the other person is at home or at work, you can use the phone. As you hold the phone in your hand, breathe in and out a few times to make yourself present and calm. When you hear the phone ringing, you can continue your mindful breathing. When the other person picks up the phone, you can ask if he or she has a moment. If so, you can just say: “I am here for you.” If you have practiced mindful breathing, the way you say the mantra will convey your calm and your presence.

  The Second Mantra

  Don’t use the second mantra until you have practiced the first and produced your presence. Then, when you are truly there in the here and the now, you are in a position to recognize the presence of the other person. The second mantra is: “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” You are letting your loved one know that his or her presence is important to your happiness.

  The second mantra acknowledges that you really see the other person. This is crucial, because when a person ignores you, you don’t feel that you are loved. You may feel that the people you love are too busy to see you. Your loved one may be driving the car and thinking of everything except you who are sitting in the next seat. You don’t have that person’s attention. To love means to be aware of the presence of your beloved one and to recognize that presence as something very precious to you. You use the energy of mindfulness to recognize and embrace the presence of your beloved one. Embraced by your mindfulness, the other person will bloom like a flower.

  “I know you are there, and I am very happy.” The second mantra is to reaffirm the presence of the other person as someone very important to you. The second mantra, like the first, only works if you breathe in and out before saying it. Imagine the other person is not there; he or she has moved away or passed on. You might feel a big hole. Right now that person is alive and near you, so you’re very lucky. That’s why you have to practice the second mantra to remind yourself of the gift of that person’s presence.

  When someone says he loves you but he ignores your presence and doesn’t pay attention to your being there, you don’t have the feeling that you are loved. So when you love someone you have to recognize his or her presence as something precious to you. The second mantra can be practiced every day, several times a day. “I know you are there, and it makes me very happy.”

  This mantra, like the first, can be shared anytime—before work, at the dinner table, or over the phone or by e-mail if you want to share it with someone you don’t get a chance to see. These mantras feel a bit awkward at first, while you’re getting used to them, but once you see the results, they will get easier. You can make yourself and the other person happy right away. It’s quicker than instant coffee! But remember one thing: a mantra can be practiced successfully only if you know how to make yourself present and say it in mindfulness.

  The Third Mantra

  While the first two mantras can be said several times a day, no matter what the situation, the third mantra is used when you notice that the other person is suffering. The third mantra can help the other person suffer less right away. The third mantra is: “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”

  Thanks to your mindfulness, you know that something is not going well with your friend or loved one. When your loved one is suffering, your impulse may be to want to do something to fix it, but you don’t need to do much. You just need to be there for him or her. That is true love. True love is made of mindfulness.

  Because of your mindfulness, you know when something is not going well with a loved one. When you notice that, you want to do something to help him or her suffer less. You don’t have to do anything other than to be there. When you say the mantra, right away your loved one will suffer less.

  When you suffer and your loved ones ignore your suffering, you suffer much more. But if the other person is aware of your suffering and offers his presence to you during those difficult moments, you suffer less right away. It doesn’t take much time to bring relief. So please use this mantra in your relationship to help the other person suffer less.

  The Fourth Mantra

  The fourth mantra is a little more difficult, especially for those of us with a lot of pride. You use the fourth mantra when you suffer and you believe that the other person has caused your suffering. This happens from time to time. If it was someone you didn’t care as much about who had said or done that to you, you would have suffered less. But when someone you love says something that feels critical or dismissive, you suffer deeply. If we suffer, and we don’t look deeply into our suffering and find compassion for ourselves and the other person, we may want to punish the person who hurt us because he or she has dared to make us suffer. When we suffer, we think it’s the other person’s fault for not appreciating us enough or loving us enough. Many of us have a natural tendency to want to punish the other person. One way we think of punishing the other person is to show that we can survive without him or her.

  Many of us have made this mistake. I myself have also made that mistake. But we learn. We want to show the other person that without him or her we can survive very well. This is an indirect way of saying, “I don’t need you.” But that’s not true. In fact when we suffer, we need others.

  When we suffer, we should tell others that we suffer and that we need their help. We usually do the opposite. We don’t want to go and ask for help. That’s why we need the fourth mantra: “I suffer, please help.”

  It’s so simple, and it’s also a little bit difficult. But if you can bring yourself to pronounce the mantra, right away you suffer less. I guarantee it. So please write that sentence down on a piece of paper the size of a credit card and put it in your wallet. It’s a magic formula: “I suffer. Please help.”

  If you don’t practice this mantra, you may be sulking; if others notice that something is wrong, that maybe you suffer, they might try to comfort you and say, “Are you suffering?” When someone asks you this, you might have the tendency to respond, “Suffer? Why should I be suffering?” You know that’s not the truth. You suffer deeply, yet you pretend you don’t suffer. You’re being untruthful as a way of punishing the other person. If he or she tries to come close and put a hand on you
r shoulder, you may want to snap, “Leave me alone. I can survive very well without you.” Many of us commit that kind of mistake. But we can learn.

  Practicing the mantra, you do the opposite. You have to recognize that you suffer. The mantra can also be a little longer, if that feels more appropriate to the situation: “I suffer. I want you to know it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.” That is true love. To say, “I don’t suffer; I don’t need your help” is not the language of true love.

  The next time you suffer, and you believe it’s the other person’s fault and that she is the cause of your suffering, remember to take out the paper and read it, and you will know exactly what to do—practice the fourth mantra.

  According to our practice in Plum Village, you have the right to suffer twenty-four hours but not more. There’s a deadline. The deadline is twenty-four hours, and you have to practice the fourth mantra before the deadline. You have your phone. You have your computer. I’m sure that when you are able to bring yourself to write it down, you will suffer less right away. If you aren’t calm enough within twenty-four hours to practice the fourth mantra, you can write it down on a piece of paper and leave it on the other person’s desk or somewhere it is sure to be seen.

  The mantra can be further broken down into three sentences. The first is: “I suffer and I want you to know.” That’s sharing yourself with the person you care about. You share your happiness with each other; you also need to share your suffering.

  The second sentence is: “I am doing my best.” It means, “I am practicing mindfulness, and when I get angry I won’t say anything that can cause damage to myself or to you. I am practicing mindful breathing, mindful walking, and looking deeply into my suffering to find the roots of my suffering. I believe that you have caused my suffering, but I know I shouldn’t be too sure about that. I’m looking to see whether my suffering has come from a wrong perception on my part. Maybe you didn’t mean to say it. Maybe you didn’t want to do it. I’m now doing my best to practice looking deeply, to recognize my anger and embrace it tenderly.”

  The second sentence is an invitation for the other person to do the same, to practice like you are. When the other person gets the message, he might say to himself, “Oh, I didn’t know that she was suffering. What have I done or said to make her suffer like that?” It is an invitation for the other person to also practice looking deeply. If one of you finds out the cause, that person should communicate right away and apologize for being unskillful so that the other person doesn’t continue to suffer.

  So the second sentence is an invitation for both sides to look deeply, to be aware of what is going on and investigate the real cause of the suffering. It’s a recognition that the other person is human and is doing his or her best at the time, and that we are doing our best as well.

  The third sentence is: “Please help.” This sentence acknowledges that we can’t figure it all out on our own. We need each other. This is perhaps the hardest part. The three sentences together are: “I suffer, and I want you to know it. I am doing my best. Please help.”

  The Fifth Mantra

  The fifth mantra is: “This is a happy moment.” When you are with someone you care about, you can use this mantra. This is not autosuggestion or wishful thinking, because there are conditions of happiness that are there. If we’re not mindful, we won’t recognize them. This mantra is to remind ourselves and the other person that we are very lucky, that there are so many conditions of happiness that are available in the here and the now. We can breathe easily. We have each other. We have the blue sky and the solidity of the whole earth supporting us. Sitting with the other person, walking together, you may want to pronounce the fifth mantra and realize how lucky you are.

  Being able to recognize that this moment is a happy moment depends on your mindfulness. These conditions of happiness are more than enough for both of you to be happy in the here and the now. It is mindfulness that makes the present moment into a wonderful moment. We can each learn how to bring happiness into the here and the now with our practice. What are we waiting for to be happy? Why do we have to wait? With mindfulness you can recognize that it is possible to be happy right here and right now.

  The Sixth Mantra

  You use the sixth mantra when someone praises or criticizes you. You can use it equally well in both cases. The sixth mantra is: “You are partly right.”

  I have weaknesses in me, and I have strengths in me. If you praise me, I shouldn’t get too puffed up and ignore the fact that in me there are also challenges. When you criticize me, I shouldn’t get lost in that and ignore the positive things.

  When you see beautiful things in someone, you tend to overlook the things that are not so beautiful. But as human beings, we all have both positive and negative aspects. So when your loved one rhapsodizes about you, telling you that you are the very image of perfection, you can say, “You are partly right. You know that I have other things in me too.” In this way you retain your humility. You don’t become the victim of a prideful illusion, because you know that you’re not perfect. This is very important. When you pronounce the sixth mantra, you preserve your humility.

  If the other person criticizes you, you can reply, “Darling, you are only partly right, because I also have good things in me.” Without judgment, you investigate so you can improve. If somebody misjudges you, you reply, “You have said something that is partly correct. But in me there are also positive things.” Likewise, when someone admires you, you can thank them for appreciating you but also point out that they are seeing one part of you and that you have many challenges too. “You have said something that’s only partly correct, because I have many weaknesses that you perhaps haven’t seen yet.” If someone says, “You have many weaknesses,” you can say, “You are partly correct. I have strengths too.” You may answer them that way in silence or say it nicely. “You are only seeing part of me, not the totality. I have other things in me that are much better.”

  The sixth mantra is the truth. You don’t lie, and you don’t fall into false humility. You just say it, either aloud or silently to yourself. Inside you there are many wonderful qualities and many weaknesses; you accept both. But that acceptance doesn’t prevent you from developing your positive qualities and addressing your weaknesses.

  We can use the same method when we look at other people. We can accept others like we accept ourselves. We know that what they are expressing is only part of them. Before judging and shouting at somebody, instead of telling someone he or she has no value, we have to look deeper. I know people who are very sensitive. Even a slight judgment makes them weep and become very unhappy. Perhaps you also know people like this. So we accept ourselves with all our weaknesses, and then we have peace. We don’t judge ourselves; we accept. I have these qualities and these weaknesses, but I will try to improve slowly, at my speed. If you can look at yourself like that, you can look at others like that too, without judgment.

  Even if that person has many weaknesses, he also has many talents, many positive things. No one is without positive qualities. So when others judge you wrongly, you have to say that they are partly right but they have not seen the other parts of you. The other person only sees part of you, not the totality, so you don’t have to be unhappy at all.

  We can use these six mantras to make a close relationship stronger. My friend Elizabeth recently shared several ways in which she has used the mantras. Her sister is one year older than she is. They were always together growing up, but over the years and especially as they grew into young adults, Elizabeth had gotten in the habit of lecturing her sister a little and telling her what to do. As you can imagine, sometimes her sister had strong reactions.

  With the practice of mindfulness, Elizabeth said, she became more aware of what she was saying, and she realized the importance of changing that habit. When she visited her sister, she started practicing her version of the second mantra, saying: “I’m really happy tha
t you’re here.” She got in touch with, and expressed, a heartfelt appreciation of her sister’s presence in her life, and of the fact that her sister was doing the best she could.

  Elizabeth also used the mantras in her marriage. In the beginning, whenever her husband said something that really hurt her, she immediately had the desire to punish. She tried instead slowly going to him and using her version of the fourth mantra, asking him, “You said this thing to me that I really don’t understand. What was that about?” He would share, and most times, she discovered that his remark was nothing about her really. It was often something else entirely that was going on. The mantra “opened up a door” for her “to see what was happening in his world.”

  Sometimes, Elizabeth would say something to her husband, and he’d have a strong reaction, and she’d react to his reaction. Eventually she learned to instead practice the third mantra—“I know you suffer; that’s why I’m here for you”—by asking him, “Was it something I said? I really want to understand what happened. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to say or do things that are hurtful. If you let me know, I can understand how the things I say affect you.”

  She also told me about one particular time during her stay in Plum Village. She was in the courtyard garden, harvesting the petals of rose blossoms that were just beginning to droop, to use for tea. A gardener came along and scolded Elizabeth for taking away flowers that were growing there for everyone to enjoy in the courtyard. Elizabeth said, “I’m not taking the fresh ones, only the fading ones.” But the gardener was not appeased. Elizabeth went to ask the advice of one of our nuns who she knew could help her understand. The sister shared with her that lately some other people had been picking flowers from the garden for their own use, and the gardener had a sensitivity about that. “Elizabeth,” the sister said, “you just bumped into his sensitivity.” After she heard that, Elizabeth was able to go to the gardener and practice the third mantra. She said, “I understand the situation better now, and I won’t touch the flowers in the courtyard if you prefer.” The gardener was getting ready to go away on a trip to Germany, and Elizabeth also practiced the first mantra—“I’m here for you”—by telling him that during his absence, she would water the roses and trim the rosehips for him.