The Art of Communicating Page 3
While you bring your hands up and put your palms together, breathe in and out mindfully. Your two hands form a flower, a lotus bud. If you do this with genuine intention, you will likely be able to see the possibilities in the other person. As you breathe, you may want to say silently:
A lotus for you.
A Buddha to be.
When you join your palms, there should be concentration in you so you’re not just going through the motions. The lotus flower of your hands is an offering to the person in front of you. When you bow, you recognize the beauty in the other person.
In many Asian countries, when we meet each other we don’t shake hands like in the West. We just join our palms and bow. About 160 years ago, the French came to Vietnam, and they taught us how to shake hands. In the beginning we thought it was funny to shake hands like that, but we learned quite quickly. Now everyone knows how to shake hands, but we still like to join our palms and bow, especially in the temple. It may not be appropriate in your life or workplace for you to join your palms to everyone you see, but you can still look them in the eye. As you smile, or say hello, or shake hands, in your mind you can still be offering them a lotus flower, a reminder of the Buddha nature in both of you.
The Two Keys to Compassionate Communication
We communicate to be understood and to understand others. If we’re talking and no one is listening (maybe not even our own selves), we’re not communicating effectively. There are two keys to effective and true communication. The first is deep listening. The second is loving speech. Deep listening and loving speech are the best instruments I know for establishing and restoring communication with others and relieving suffering.
We all want to be understood. When we interact with another person, particularly if we haven’t practiced mindfulness of our own suffering and listened well to our own selves, we’re anxious for others to understand us right away. We want to begin by expressing ourselves. But talking first like that doesn’t usually work. Deep listening needs to come first. Practicing mindfulness of suffering—recognizing and embracing the suffering in oneself and in the other person—will give rise to the understanding necessary for good communication.
When we listen to someone with the intention of helping that person suffer less, this is deep listening. When we listen with compassion, we don’t get caught in judgment. A judgment may form, but we don’t hold on to it. Deep listening has the power to help us create a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, and to help us handle a painful emotion.
Now Is the Time to Listen Only
Deep listening is a wonderful practice. If you can listen for thirty minutes with compassion, you can help the other person suffer much less. If you don’t practice mindfulness of compassion, you can’t listen long. Mindfulness of compassion means you listen with only one intention—to help the other person suffer less. Your intention may be sincere, but if you haven’t first practiced listening to yourself, and you don’t practice mindfulness of compassion, you may rather quickly lose your ability to listen.
The other person may say things that are full of wrong perceptions, bitterness, accusation, and blaming. If we don’t practice mindfulness, their words will set off irritation, judgment, and anger in us, and we will lose our capacity to listen compassionately. When irritation or anger arises, we lose our capacity to listen. That’s why we have to practice, so that during the whole time of listening, compassion can remain in our hearts. If we can keep our compassion alive, the seeds of anger and judgment in our hearts will not be watered and spring up. We have to train ourselves first so we’re able to listen to the other person.
It is okay if you’re not ready to listen at a certain moment. If the quality of your listening is not good enough, it’s better to pause and continue another day; don’t push yourself too hard. Practice mindful breathing and mindful walking until you’re ready to really listen to the other person. You can say, “I want to listen to you when I’m at my best. Would it be all right if we continued tomorrow?”
Then, when we are ready to listen deeply, we can listen without interrupting. If we try to interrupt or correct the other person, we will transform the session into a debate and it will ruin everything. After we have deeply listened and allowed the other person to express everything in his heart, we’ll have a chance later on to give him a little of the information he needs to correct his perception—but not now. Now we just listen, even if the person says things that are wrong. It’s the practice of mindfulness of compassion that keeps us listening deeply.
You have to take the time to look and see the suffering in the other person. You must be prepared. Deep listening has only one purpose: to help others suffer less. Even if the person says wrong things, expresses bitterness, or blames, continue to listen compassionately for as long as you can. You may want to say this to yourself as a reminder:
I am listening to this person with only one purpose: to give this person a chance to suffer less.
Keep the one purpose of deep listening alive in your heart and in your mind. As long as you are inhabited by the energy of compassion, you are safe. Even if what the other person says contains a lot of wrong perceptions, bitterness, anger, blame, and accusation, you are really safe.
Remember that the other person’s speech may be based on prejudices and misunderstandings. You will have a chance later to offer some information so that he or she can correct his or her perception, but not now. Now is the time only to listen. If you can keep your mindfulness of compassion alive for even thirty minutes, you are inhabited by the energy of compassion and you are safe. As long as compassion is present, you can listen with equanimity.
You know that the other person is suffering. When we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us, we continue to suffer, and we make people around us suffer. When other people don’t know how to handle their suffering, they become its victim. If you imbibe their judgment, fear, and anger, you become its second victim. But if you can listen deeply, understanding that what they are saying is coming from suffering, then you are protected by your compassion.
You only want to help them suffer less. You don’t blame or judge them anymore.
Love Is Born from Understanding
Listening deeply and compassionately, you begin to understand the other person more fully, and love is nourished. The foundation of love is understanding, and that means first of all understanding suffering. Each of us is hungry for understanding. If you really want to love someone and make him or her happy, you have to understand that person’s suffering. With understanding, your love will deepen and become true love. Listening to suffering is an essential ingredient for generating understanding and love.
I define happiness as the capacity to understand and to love, because without understanding and love no happiness could be possible. We don’t have enough understanding and love, which is why we suffer so much. That is what we are thirsting for.
Compassion and love are born from understanding. How can you love unless you understand? How can the father love his son if he doesn’t understand the suffering and difficulties of his son? How can someone make his beloved happy without knowing anything about that person’s suffering and difficulties?
Do I Understand You Enough?
If you want to make someone happy, you should ask yourself the question “Do I understand him enough?” “Do I understand her enough?” Many people are reluctant to talk because they fear that what they say will be misunderstood. There are people who suffer so much; they’re not capable of telling us about the suffering inside. And we have the impression that nothing is wrong—until it’s too late.
Waiting has serious consequences. People may isolate themselves, they may suddenly end a friendship or relationship, and they may even commit suicide. Something had been bothering that person for a long time, but he or she pretended that everything was okay. Maybe fear or pride gets in the way. Listening and looking with mindfulness and concentration, we may discover that there’s a block
of suffering in that person. We see that she has suffered so much and doesn’t know how to handle the suffering inside. So she continues to suffer and make other people suffer, too. Once you have seen that, suddenly your anger is no longer there. Compassion arises. You have the insight that she is suffering and needs help, not punishment.
If you need to, you can ask for help. You can say, “Dear One, I want to understand you more. I want to understand your difficulties and your suffering. I want to listen to you because I want to love you.” When we take the time to look more deeply, we may see for the first time the big block of suffering in that person. Someone might pretend not to suffer, but that’s not true. When you’re able to listen compassionately, other people have a chance to tell you about their difficulties.
In any relationship, you may want to check whether you have understood the other person. If it is a relationship that is harmonious, in which communication is good, then happiness is there. If communication and harmony exist, it means mutual understanding is there. Don’t wait until the other person has left or is full of anger to ask the important question “Do you think I understand you enough?” The other person will tell you if you haven’t understood enough. He will know if you’re able to listen with compassion. You may say, “Please tell me, please help me. Because I know very well that if I don’t understand you, I will make a lot of mistakes.” That is the language of love.
The question “Do you think I understand you enough?” is not just for romantic relationships, but for friends, family members, and anyone you care about. It can even help in a work setting. If you live with a family member, a romantic partner, or a friend, you may think that because you see this person every day you know a lot about him or her. But that’s not correct. You know only a little about that person. You may have lived with someone for five, ten, or twenty years. But you may not have looked deeply into that person to understand him or her. You may have done the same with yourself. You have lived with yourself your whole life. We think that we already understand who we are. But unless we have listened deeply to ourselves, with compassion and curiosity and without judgment, we may not know ourselves very well at all.
If you wait until family members pass away, it will be too late to ask them to share more about themselves. It’s nice when a child of any age sits with a parent and asks about their experiences, sufferings, and sources of happiness. Just sit and listen. With mindful breathing and listening to ourselves, our capacity for listening and looking expands deeply, and we may find the opportunity for much greater communication and connection with our parents and our loved ones.
When you see that the other person has suffering inside, compassion is born in your heart. You may want to do something to help that person suffer less. Your compassionate listening and loving speech will already do a lot to change the situation. Then you can sit with the person and together get insight into what other concrete actions, if any, are necessary to help the situation. Compassionate listening isn’t the only thing we can do when someone is suffering, but it’s almost always the first step.
Loving Speech
When you have to tell people bad news, telling the truth can be difficult. If you don’t speak mindfully, the other person can get very angry or anxious after hearing your “truth.” We can train ourselves to speak the truth in such a way that, in the end, the other person can accept it.
When you speak, you try to tell others the truth about your suffering and their suffering, this is loving speech. You speak in a way that helps others recognize the suffering inside themselves and in you. We have to be skillful. The one who speaks has to be very mindful, using words in a way that can help the listener not be caught in wrong perceptions. And the listener has to be careful not to be caught in the words being said or the ideas being offered. There needs to be mindfulness and skillfulness on the part of both the speaker and the listener.
Because you have first practiced compassionate listening, you know that what you say can carry with it insight and understanding. With more understanding, you can really help the other person suffer less, and your communication is more effective. You speak gently because you are willing to help. The way we communicate already makes the other person feel much better.
The words we say are nourishment. We can use words that will nourish ourselves and nourish another person. What you say, what you write, should convey only compassion and understanding. Your words can inspire confidence and openness in another person. Generosity can be practiced wonderfully with loving speech. You don’t have to spend any money to practice generosity. In Buddhism another way of saying loving speech is Right Speech. In our daily life, Right Speech is what nourishes us and nourishes those around us.
Wrong Speech
We call loving speech “Right Speech” because we know that suffering is brought about by wrong speech. Our speech can cause a lot of suffering with unkind, untruthful, or violent words. Wrong speech is the kind of speech that lacks openness and does not have understanding, compassion, and reconciliation at its base.
When we write a note or a letter, when we speak on the telephone, what we write or say should be Right Speech that conveys our insight, our understanding, and our compassion. When we practice Right Speech, we feel wonderful in our bodies and our minds. And the one who listens to us also feels wonderful. It’s possible for us to use Right Speech, the speech of compassion, tolerance, and forgiveness, several times a day. It doesn’t cost anything and it’s very healing.
The Four Elements of Right Speech
Loving, truthful speech can bring a lot of joy and peace to people. But producing loving speech takes practice because we aren’t used to it. When we hear so much speech that causes craving, insecurity, and anger, we get accustomed to speaking that way. Truthful, loving speech is something we need to train ourselves in.
In Buddhism there’s a practice called the Ten Bodhisattva Trainings. Four of these ten relate to Right Speech. A bodhisattva is an enlightened being who has dedicated his or her life to alleviating the suffering of all living beings.
Enlightenment is always enlightenment about something. If you begin to understand the nature and the root of your suffering, that is a kind of enlightenment, and it helps you suffer less right away. There are those of us who are very critical of ourselves. That’s because we haven’t understood our own suffering. When we become a bodhisattva for ourselves, we don’t blame ourselves or others anymore.
A bodhisattva is someone who can speak with gentle, loving speech and who can listen with compassion. Anyone can become a bodhisattva by training diligently. You don’t have to practice for ten years to become a bodhisattva. Spend at least some time each day, even if it’s only five or ten minutes, sitting, practicing mindful breathing, and listening to yourself.
Here are the four bodhisattva guidelines of the Ten Bodhisattva Trainings for Right Speech:
1. Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside down.
2. Don’t exaggerate.
3. Be consistent. This means no double-talk: speaking about something in one way to one person and in an opposite way to another for selfish or manipulative reasons.
4. Use peaceful language. Don’t use insulting or violent words, cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation.
Tell the Truth
The first element of Right Speech is to tell the truth. We don’t lie. We try not to say untruthful things. If we think the truth is too shocking, we find a skillful and loving way to tell the truth. But we have to respect the truth. There are those who verbally abuse people and make them suffer, and then say, “I’m only telling the truth.” But they tell the “truth” in a violent and attacking way. Sometimes it can even cause the other person to feel great suffering.
When you tell the truth, sometimes the result isn’t what you wanted. You need to look deep into the mind of the other person to see how you can tell the truth in such a way that others don’t feel threatened, so they can listen. You try to tell the truth in
a loving and protective way. It’s important to remember that what you think is the truth could be your own incomplete or erroneous perception. You think it’s the truth, but your perception may be partial; it may be blocked by something.
Lying is dangerous, because one day the other person may find out the truth. That could be a catastrophe. So if we don’t want to lie, and we don’t want to trigger a hurt, we have to be mindful of our words and find a skillful means to tell the truth. There are many ways to tell the truth. It’s an art.
The truth is a solid base for a long-lasting relationship. If you don’t build your relationship on the truth, sooner or later it will crumble. We have to find the best way to tell the truth so that the other person can receive it easily. Sometimes even the most skillful words can cause pain. That is okay. Pain can heal. If your words are spoken with compassion and understanding, the pain will heal more quickly.
Suffering can be beneficial. There can be goodness in suffering, but we don’t want to make the other person suffer needlessly. We can minimize the shock and the pain. We try to convey the truth in such a way that other people can hear us without suffering too much. The important thing is that they feel safe. They may not “get it,” or it may take time for them to “get it.” They may continue to have a different perception than ours.
Sometimes you can begin by telling another story, the story of someone else whose situation is similar to the person you are speaking to, so that he or she can get accustomed to the idea. It’s easier to listen to the story of another person. You can say, “What do you think? Would it be good for the other person to hear the truth or not?” Usually people say, “Yes, it’s good to hear the truth.” Sometimes the person you are speaking to will come to the conclusion independently and learn from the case of the other person. It takes a lot of practice to tell the truth in a way that the other person can hear.